Today I am writing about letting go of toxic relationships in a process that is known as a personal revolution. A personal revolution is a clearing of toxicity in your life. It could be material, mental, physical, and attributed to those around you. It could be a partner, friend, co-worker – but most likely…it is yourself. A personal revolution requires that you identify these things and get them out of your life immediately.
Onto the good stuff…
I have only experienced this type of maliciousness, selfishness and jealousy in a relationship twice in my life. Both experiences have been draining and leave me feeling defeated. I attribute it to my delay in cutting ties with people who no longer serve a purpose in my life. At the same time, I am also hoping that the person genuinely wants to change and become a better person with my support and friendship. However there are some people whom I feel that nothing I do or say could ever satisfy this person. In their minds, they will always be the victim and I will always be the perpetrator. I do not want to be viewed in this manner and that is why I have to let them go.
Although the initial separation is difficult, with time I’ve learned to heal and put the past where it belongs. Madea (Tyler Perry) sums up relationships so well in her relationship advice video.
They say that blood is thicker than water, and that is probably why I still have a relationship (if that is what you want to call it) with my mother. I already experience a gap in my heart that can never be filled. When it comes to friends, I do not want to experience this feeling of defeat that reminds me of my mother. These physiological reactions caused by stress, anger, frustration, sadness – cause me to shut down. I go into a deep place in my mind and process these emotions before verbalizing myself. Initially I feel awful, but then I realize they are only a reflection of that person on me and not my own behaviors or feelings. I am reacting to someone who cannot handle their own emotions and therefore projecting their own insecurities and fears onto others. This is not something I do towards others – so I definitely do not want it in return. Being raised with an abusive mother, I have learned to dis-internalize these emotions and find ways to bring myself back to a sense of calm and peace.
There is much more I could say on how I despise this type of projective behavior but that will be told at a later time.
Writing about this is healing, therapeutic, and strengthening. By going through this process, I am re-evaluating my friendships and how I want to approach and maintain them. I am also learning to love myself. This self-love dictates how I want to live out my life.
In a relationship, I want to feel safe, valued, respected, and accepted. I do not want to feel the dread of having to be around someone. I want to actually be there and enjoy every single second with this person whether it’s in silence or going 500 words a minute. A relationship does not have to be a transaction that is constantly fed back-and-forth. It should be an experience that is available when time permits and is enjoyed without rules and expectations. To exist with another soul that makes your heart delighted is a gift in itself. I offer what I can and hopefully it is received and accepted without judgement.
If there is any relationship that is causing strain, hurt, is draining, is exhaustive…please recognize these feelings in your physical body and understand that it’s time to let that shit go. These feelings are not your own they are caused by someone who says they want a relationship with you, but doesn’t really mean it or show it. We all have the fight or flight response that enables us to identify what needs to be done to survive and proceed through the world as our most happiest selves. The flight will give you the tools to tell that person, “this just isn’t working out.”
If you are a person who constantly experiences these negative feelings (whether emotionally or physically) with others, you need to take an honest look into yourself and see if you are perhaps the perpetrator trying to bring those around you down. Realize these faults and know that they can be changed too – through personal revolution. Identify this baggage and move the fuck on. It will be a process, but if there’s a willingness then there is hope. When we can start the change within ourselves to become a better person, we can then start to change the world in immeasurable ways.
<3 + Namaste,